If you’re a boy, young male, man, listen up, because the habits about to be discussed are of the kind best banished to the nether realm of things that might cross your mind intentionally or you might conceive of them happening subconsciously, but are still never to be done around your female partner even in the later years of a relationship (unless, for some reason, you decide that your long-term intimacy somehow magically makes them ok and includes them, in which case, to each his own).
If, by their nature, these manifestations are considered to be ungentlemanly and to be avoided at all times, their occurrence on a first date makes them as inexcusable and disastrous as a unicorn threatening orphan children with his horn for their tears so he can bathe in them as it’s the best conditioner for his mane.
Seriously, I’m talking THAT preposterous, pointless, unforgivable and down-right boorish.
If however, you want to be a good little unicorn (or Prince Charming, whatever she prefers), all you have to do is pay attention to these 5 male behaviors to avoid on a date and just… not do them. The instructions feature just this 1 simple step, common to all of them: abstain. Do not. Refrain from. NO!
1. The Unholy Trinity
Let’s take it from the basic, fundamental ones. You must strive to be above the primitive cave-dweller that we are all related to and demonstrate your more complex and evolved brain by exercising absolute control over the bodily functions that you can control. In plain caveman language: don’t burp and, demons below, don’t fart!
Since (I hope) modern civilization has made it clear for all of us why certain things are a no-no and I don’t have to insist on the appropriateness of not peeing in the middle of the living room, it should be no far stretch to understand that not burping and not fating are not subtleties to be mastered later. They are in the same ballpark as peeing in the living room. So don’t.
As for the third component of the above mentioned unholy trinity of bad behavior, bad body odor, though not liable to mental control as the other two, it can be held in check by applying said complex and evolved brain to indirectly control it. Read: washing frequently and using perfume. Keywords being washing frequently. Because just using perfume or deodorant is an overlay, not a magical remover (meaning that the bad odor will still be detectable). You’re essentially cheating in the most inefficient fashion.
2. The Picker
She is the picker. You’re the strutting human equivalent of a male peacock. But in the end, the girl/woman decides if she wants you or not. Because hey, that’s evolution for ya. You might have more upper body strength (while women have other advantages, oddly enough complementary to the male ones…), but it means zilch in the mating game. Except perhaps if you wanna go primitive and physically fight out competitors for her. Your move. But in any case that physical strength can’t be turned against her to “influence” her decision of you (that’s called rape, by the way).
So if she gets to pick you, try to not disgust her. By being the wrong kind of picker. A nose-picker. Get it? Keep your finger(s?) out of your nose. Even if you thought it’s ingenuous and cute.
3. Ravenous Beast Mode
Being a gourmet is something she might like (unless you take it to a pedantic, annoying level). Being a gourmand might not be that unpardonable if she happens to like a man who eats too much and is ready for your future pounds increase which will surely happen, along with all the pretty life-altering consequences.
But in either scenario, being a manner-less beast that sends food flying while it tries to shove more of the precious food into its mouth as if it might be the last, possibly with accompanying loud chewing/slurping/sucking noises, is definitely not cool.
4. Bygones Be Bygones
She’s a woman. This might come as a surprise, but they have very powerful, complex emotions (and more nuanced than most men’s). One of them being a combination of disgust, disappointment, surprise and burning-with-the-power-of-a-thousand-suns rage if you happen to start recounting your sexual exploits between you and your ex(es). Preferably with lots of explicit details, visual aids etc.
Of course, some women might say they’re ok with this. But do you really wanna find out if they’re just rationalizing away your tactlessness?
5. Her place
Yes, she should know her place. And so should you. And that place is beside you as an equal, meaning you’re not both identical, but complementary due to the strengths and weaknesses you surely both have.
The high and mighty patriarchal attitude is a bit passé if you get my drift (hint: it’s 2015). So the reality is that if you behave like a 16th century proud MALE (with capital letters) and quip about the many ways in which women are inferior, it only reveals you as a poor misogynistic sod and won’t make her a rabid feminist if she decides to end the date and leave.