The Court of Law is a place where major decision are taken, where people come to find justice and sometimes… to laugh or be outraged. We all enjoy a lawyer joke from time to time, more than enjoying having to need one, but history registered some attorney – witness conversations that can actually blow somebody’s mind. No, there are not the famous final closings we see in the movies, where the attorney delivers such a brilliant speech, emphasized with so irrefutable arguments and emotional weight that you want to leave everything and go to Law School. Today we won’t talk about these performances but others more… dumb, if we are allowed to speak our minds. Some of these conversations have been recorded over the years and circulated the world for a while, books were written, web-sites were made and, unfortunately, the content is very very sad. Among them, we chose to present you only ten of them, not for a second wishing to undermine the authority of the attorneys of today’s world or the good reputation of people, but just as a friendly reminder that some Courts of Law may be sometimes the scene of some absurd comedies.
1. Mistaken identity
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
2. Age problems
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ”
3. Reliability
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
4. A question of competence
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
5. Laws of attraction
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
6. Change of mind
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
7. Gender bender
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
8. A hard job
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
9. Dark humor
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
10. Qualifications matter
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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