35 New Chuck Norris Facts and Jokes You Need to Know

Posted In Entertainment - By Maria On Friday, March 28th, 2014 With 0 Comments

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Oh well, we all love a good joke from time to time, but what we love most, is Chuck Norris. What would this world be without Chuck Norris in it and especially without the famous and ever – growing collection of Chuck Norris facts and jokes that are still cracking us up, even if we know most of them from our childhood years. Kudos to this great actor, martial law expert and super – heroic figure who turned into an Internet god and stays that way for eons and kudos to the entire community of jokers who don’t think our favorite indestructible super star is an old, fade, worn – off piece of entertainment, but a constant source of amusement. There are few people who don’t know a few Chuck Norris jokes and since there are many new out there, we thought to present you with a funny collection gathered around from the web. So without much ado, here are 35 new Chuck Norris facts and jokes you need to know!

1. Chuck and the Terminator

The Terminator has a Chuck Norris tattoo

2. The Green Mile

Chuck Norris once went to America’s Toughest Prison for a vacation. After thirty seconds of violence, an angry mob of 1000 convicts demanded to be put on Death Row

3. Hottest man in the Universe

Chuck Norris is so hot he makes the sun sweat.

4. Chuck’s Personal Diary

Chuck Norris has a diary. It’s called the Guinness Book of World Records.

5. Chuck’s Dogs

Chuck Norris has a Doberman and a Pitbull. They are there to protect people from Chuck Norris.

6. Texas Ranger

When Chuck Norris became a Texas Ranger, the state was able to save millions by laying off the rest of their police force.

7. Acting Career

Chuck Norris was in a Jack Ryan movie. He was The Sum of All Fears.

8. Sanitation

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

9. Darwin’s Theory

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

10. Useless rivalry

Neo can bend spoons with his mind but Chuck Norris can bend light with his voice

11. Secrets of the World War II

The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

12. The thing everybody is looking for

The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favorite coffee mug.

13. Cross – references

In the ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movies, Davey Jones asks doomed sailors “Do you fear Chuck Norris?”

14. Arguments

Chuck Norris CAN argue with a man holding a running chainsaw.

15. Chuck’s Blood Type

Chuck Norris’s Blood Type is AK-47.

16. Children’s Play

Chuck Norris doesn’t play “hide-and-seek.” He plays “hide-and-pray-I-don’t-find-you.”

17. Technology

Chuck Norris can strangle you with your smartphone.

18. Pet companion

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear as a rug in his living room. It’s not dead, it’s just afraid to move.

19. …and justice for all

Chuck Norris was charged with attempted murder. The judge immediately dropped all charges, saying, ‘Chuck Norris does not ‘attempt’ murder.

20. Flying airplanes like a boss

Chuck Norris can fly a plane while jogging.

21. Spin the wheel

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

22. Geography and Administration

In the near future, Dallas will be renamed Chucktown, and Chuck Norris will be the city’s only lawman. The crime rate will drop to zero.

23. Chuck’s Fists

Chuck Norris’ left fist is called “Larry” and his right fist is called “Moe”. When he hits you with Larry, you won’t want no Mo’

24. Poetry

Chuck Norris can rhyme things with the word ‘orange.’

25. Music and Detective Work

Chuck Norris found what U2 is looking for.

26. #ohsotrue

People don’t tell Chuck Norris jokes, they simply tell his life story.

27. Remote fighting skills

Chuck Norris once shot down a fighter jet by pointing his finger at it and saying “bang!”

28. Sleeping disorders

Chuck Norris gives the Grim Reaper night terrors.

29. Chuck and social media

Chuck Norris has no friends on Facebook. Just enemies.

30. Gourmet dishes

Chuck Norris can squeeze caviar out of a lemon.

31. Breaking the law

Chuck Norris got his second speeding ticket for doing 137 MPH in his Corvette. When he was 9.

32. Food champion

Peanut butter has a Chuck Norris allergy…

33. The way things go

The Internet uses Chuck Norris for information.

34. Cooking like a pro

Chuck Norris can Barbeque-under water.

35. Chuck’s body and the arts

For Chuck Norris to get a tattoo, the artist would need a .50 cal machine gun as a needle.
Did you know these or are they new to you? Do you have some favorite ones? Do you think it is still funny to share some new Chuck Norris facts and jokes or did they reach their expiration deadline by now? Tell us in the comments and let’s have some fun!
A huge thanks to all our sources!

About the Author

deea@guestpostshop.com'

- Maria is a freelance writer and all-round health nut who lives in Utrecht with her two cats, two bikes and her guy. She's an online marketing and social media buff, gadget geek and movie freak whose pen (read: keyboard) never rests. Maria is a keen backpacker and occasional marathon runner, and don't even get her started on her love of camping!

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